... Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem:"DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution:"Volume set to more believable level."

Problem:"Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution:"Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm descent."
Solution:"Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem:"IFF inoperative."
Solution:"IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem:"Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution:"That's what they're there for."

Problem:"Number three engine missing."
Solution:"Engine found on right wing after brief search."